a symbol

There are these words.  These words that come out from my head to rest on the air I breathe.  But I don’t know what they mean.  Mostly, they just stay in my head.  These words are afraid of freedom.  They roost inside, laying their eggs of stagnation.  The tired bags that lie beneath my eyes tell tale of the spoiled ova, forgetting the freshness of crisp air to float away on.  Long flaxen locks hide the redness of my hardened lips that remain closed.  What now to see my sunshine through this windowpane.  A mere glass broken pain whose wings are ready for flight.  Rest my cup beside me, fill it with the ocean.  This pungeunt air inside my head will gather its salted dew.


I should be writing everyday. Perhaps being a writer isn’t something I am committed to. My favourite place in the world is one small square of heaven I call cloudbed. Everything is safe here. Cake is allowed in the cloudbed. Too much is happening but my short term goals are in place. First, move. Second, sole custody. Third, well…that one is still outstanding. geez. I have no desire to be here. But I will force myself to write at least one paragraph. I dunno. I ended my relationship the other day. I needed to be honest with myself. And with her. I cannot move forward in anything when I have no focus. Too much in my life creates distraction and I fail to move. This is my own undoing. In order to focus on moving forward, I need to really think about what I see in my future. I had a beautiful partner who has abundant love to give. But I couldn’t return it. At least not right now. That is not to say I didn’t or don’t love her, I had to make a choice. For my own peace of mind. Sometimes the right choice is the hardest one to make. They are full of remorse, sadness, disconnection. Perhaps my emotional absence has finally kicked in. That knowing that I am no longer a part of that life anymore. I am currently in a small circle of world. It’s about the size of my head.

sometimes a little late is better than never

Today is Monday and I sit in front of my bedroom window looking out at the Hallowe’en pumpkins from the weekend. The leaves are falling more each day even though I see only a few fall from the trees. The maple outside my window seems to be hanging on for dear life. Some of her leaves are still green, albeit very few. I like to think of her as my sunshine greeting me, not wanting to shed her glorious yellow leaves because she knows her yellow reminds me of someone very special. Like she is holding on to the beauty of autumn, not ready to let winter take over. Maybe she feels my winter angst. Maybe we are in this together. Part of me likes to think of her as mine, but she isn’t. She is her own wood. Her own root. Her own beauty. She is for me to cherish and admire. This tree, outside my window is one of very few who still holds her leaves. The maple across the lane is bare as the New Year baby. Now what is this? This earthen wonder has held her leaves closest to my window. The far side is less covered.

When was the last time I rolled in the leaves or smelled the full autumness of the ground? At times, when I was younger, I would lay on the leaves and fall to sleep smelling the cologne of true earthen wares. It always made me slightly nervous to sleep out of doors though, where someone could startle me or watch me drool. Or worse, a squirrel come gnaw on my little fudgiepops or taste my hair.

The night of Hallowe’en was amazing, an autumn favourite next to Thanksgiving. Never had I experienced the night the way it was presented to me. At least not as an adult. It was just like the Hallowe’en I knew as a child. Everyone’s homes were decorated, the neighbours had a huge production and the kids…hundreds of kids! We had nearly 400 pieces of candy – 5 pieces left. There were even teenagers who were Trick or Treating (who, by the way deserve to T or T just as much as the little ones). As far as I am concerned, Hallowe’en isn’t just for the little cubs, everyone should be comfortable in putting their treat bags out for a little love. Everyone. My teenagers seemed to have a good time. Forest dressed as an Oak Hill Academy cheerleader (a girl after my own heart) with my letterman’s jacket and pom-poms. She could have been my friend Mo but alas, she was sans Alice Cooper make-up :-p

My neighbour and I shared some ginger pu’erh tea and chatted across the lawn between kids. We also received many compliments on our pumpkin carving skills (yay!) But I missed my boy. Last year we went T or T-ing together and it was the best year ever. He was so full of joy. He dressed as Hugh Heffner (it was all we had around the house) and charmed all of the adults with his wit and lovely manners. Little did I know then what I would be missing now. Which brings me to this…

One year ago today I left. I left on a journey that would teach me new and wonderful things. Things I didn’t want to learn about life, people, relationships. Things that needed to be learned, accepted, understood. Today, in a way, is an anniversary. A day of impending fear, goodbyes, change, forced inclusion. Funny that. Forced inclusion. It felt more like forced exclusion in the end…or maybe it was in the beginning. Truth be told, I never should have gone. But even just writing that reminds me that I needed to go. Even if not for the right reasons, I needed to go.

So many things were experienced on the tour. Never would I have
a.) visited my Alma Mater
b.) voted for Obama in a swing state
c.) returned back to Oak Hill Academy to speak
d.) been a part of Micah Fialka-Feldman’s initiative
e.) realized my role as a parent
f.) gained the strength I needed to move forward
g.) seen the strength and willingness to help via my chosen family
h.) opened my eyes to a beautiful yet contrary relationship
i.) watched the development of a true symbiotic relationship

this list could go on and on. There are many things I haven’t done since my return and that is to give thanks. To show my gratuity to those who were present in my absence, to those who deserve more than they have gotten from me.

First and foremost I need to thank Maurisha. She sacrificed her life, her time, her money, her sanity to help me make a choice. It has been one year and to this day I have no idea how to thank her properly. It certainly hasn’t shown in our friendship and for that there is no excuse. Maurisha, you came into an unsettled situation, one of turmoil and abandonment. You suffered, you persevered and for your strength, I thank you from the depths of my heart.

To my support circle – Alana, Blair, Phil, Don, Eva, Sean, Taunja, Randall and Erin thank you for all your strength and efforts. Working around your busy schedules to attend meetings, give us a call on the road, show support to the kids. I know this was a crazy idea but you were all there to help make it all come true, even if it wasn’t my dream. You all saw the benefits of this tour and you all saw the tribulations that would come of it. My appreciation will never be addressed in the ways you all deserve. Thank you. For everything.

So many things were learned in the short weeks I was gone. I learned my relationship was ending. I learned that Judith was interfering in my relationship because she felt herself falling in love with Gabor. I learned that I needed to come home. I learned that it is OK to not like someone. I learned to follow my own dreams. I learned that regardless of what they say, my children always need their mom. I am sure there is much more but at this moment, popping peanut M&M’s in my mouth is far more distracting.

I’m not entirely sure what there is left inside regarding this personal anniversary but rest assured it will come clear over time.

With love to all of you who are a part of my life;


of thanks and giving

I realize that lame attempts at blogging don’t count for a broken glass so I have come back to you after much contemplation of the past few weeks. Perhaps I should venture into months but then I may bore you. Suffice to say that life here is familial. Nothing out of the ordinary, no real bizarreness, just everyday. Which for the most part is lovely and content, if not just a little boring at times. Not to get confused with wanting or needing more – just a sense of moving forward. The next step up.

In September I took the Landmark Forum. Some people may think I am crazy, which is fine, but I figured if there is one thing I can gestate at the end, then it was worth it.  For the most part what I ‘learned’ were things I already knew.  Which was frustrating because I wasn’t there to learn things I already knew.  I was there for a break through.  We all were.  Sunday comes around, still nothing.  But my eyes and envy are watching people in the whole room finally ‘get it’.  I sat at the back of the room and cried.  If I wasn’t ‘getting it’ then where would I go?  Coming home that night, Andrea (my housemate) was curious about what I had learned. I didn’t have an answer.  All that would come out was “I need to process”.  Obviously I was able to give her a view of what the course was like, etc. and she understood.  She came with me to my completion on Tuesday night to get a better idea of what I saw in this forum.

Let’s segue a bit into why and how this came into my existence.  The first time I heard about Landmark was through my friend Alana.  She had explained how taking Landmark Education had helped her open new doors and concepts to her everyday life.  To let go of the past that holds us back, is something we as humans find extremely difficult.  By noticing her strength of character and watching her build her business, gave me the notion that there is no reason why I cannot do the same for myself.  My only question was “how”.  A couple years later I met a woman by the name of Judith Snow.  This is a woman of astounding measures.  She has created possibilities in her life that never once could I have imagined.  Fortunately for me, I was once a part of those dreams.  However, something was lost.  Something I was detached from.  Something I couldn’t recognize.  This something sometimes takes a long time.  It wasn’t until my friend Kati asked me to attend her completion evening when I realized it was time to take the forum.  This was it – so I registered.  I was nervous, afraid, a little sick to my stomach but I knew this was right.  I had no idea in what ways I would change.  There were times when Gabor would call me and pour his strange little heart out.  I didn’t understand, although there was still a bucket load of resentment there.  But what I did understand, by the time I had registered, was that resentment toward Gabor finally started to dissipate.  All my resentments started to dissipate.  Who knew where this road would lead but I was going to walk it the whole way.

So back to Sunday night – there we sat, on the small back deck, and I still felt lost.  Confused.  Quiet.  I dragged myself to bed and woke up to a dreary miserable Monday which consisted of an informal meeting at the Children’s Aid Society.  Something I wasn’t looking forward to.  So I got myself showered and out the door, umbrella in hand and wellies on foot.  When sitting in the subway something dawned on me.  The rain.  The rain didn’t effect me.  Now, I know you may think this sounds crazy or irrational but truth be told, this was my break through.  For the first time in my life I didn’t let the weather dictate my emotions.  Before Landmark, I would have canceled all appointments and stayed in bed.  This Monday my brain didn’t even register the rain.  YAY!  This made me smile.  The next event was the way I conducted myself in that dreadful meeting.  A meeting that I would usually allow the ‘professionals’ to make all the choices – not this time.  I didn’t get angry nor did I get in anyone’s face.  I didn’t mind if I had to step on someone’s toes in order to get what was needed.  I said what needed to be said, wasn’t comfortable with the outcome so in the end, I made a choice.  I took the next step that I wouldn’t have taken before.  Another small victory!  As minute as one might see this, so be it.  These are the little things that matter.

The following Friday – my love arrived.  I will never forget her tired eyes looking up to me when we met at the airport.  Finally – after months of not seeing each other, she was here.  Here to wake up to, fall to sleep with, eat dinner and make tea for.  A week of strangeness and beauty and love.  A week of what life might look like.  I keep finding strands of her hair around the house 🙂 I keep finding myself missing her.  Her last night here we ended up taking Forest and Jamie to a concert – I’m still wearing my VIP band.  I light our candle, smell the lavender honey and wish she hadn’t gotten on that plane.  We spent two days alone in Niagara Falls which was something we really needed.  A day trip through Niagara wine country (best salad of my life), dinner in bed, fireplace romance while looking out on the falls.  We should have stayed another day.  We wanted to stay another day.  I’m not going to get into much more detail because that time spent is far to precious to share right now.

The whole point of this post is of thanks.  Thanks to the family and friends who do share willingly in my life.  Thanks to the support and love of those people.  Thanks to those who aren’t sharing now, but may again someday, for their contribution to my path and the wealth their presence has given.  Thanks for the smiles, the love and openness.  Thanks for the time and support of life around us.  Thanks for being present.  Thank you for allowing me into your lives, to share and learn and grow.  I look forward to our days and nights – be well, be content, feel loved.

on a wednesday morning

sometimes one wakes up on the wrong side of the bed. No good reason for it, just a little lost lumber or something. Perhaps a strange dream. Yes, usually a strange dream. This dream I had wasn’t so much something to make me irritable, not at all. In fact in the dream I kept asking myself why I was acting surprised and running away when in fact I would have rather stayed and laughed. At one point I did return but ended up apologizing profusely as I made my way out the front door. definitely strange. Moving on, I did get out of bed, rustled and foggy, and managed to finish the morning routine of taking out the trash, finishing up the dishes, running the dishwasher, feeding the cat, making a cuppa tea and having breakfast. However before I get out of bed every morning I do send the love of my life little messages letting her know I have woken to her whispers in my ear. They always make that fog disappear. My one.

Clearly I had something else to write here but I’ve plum forgotten what it was.

What’s goin’ on around here?

Well lately I’ve been working on a lot of poetry. This fall I am applying for two things:
1.) Full Fellowship at the Vermont Studio Center
2.) The Walt Whitman Award through the Academy of American Poets

This past winter I was awarded a scholarship to the Vermont Studio Center for the month of September 09 (yes this month) however I was unable to go due to finances and family responsibilities. This application is for the full fellowship and I have applied for March, April and May of 2010. I’m going to get it this time.

I just want you all to know you are loved. Dearly.