zzzzzip…carolina is my procrastination

what I have learned ::

i want to grow with love within a healthy environment

that love can be found after many years and many miles walked

that I want to wear that ring of commitment regardless of how much it scares me

that living an authentic life means making sacrifices even if others don’t see it that way

creating scenes in my head is not the same as creating them in life

sometimes I deny the richness of life because I feel I don’t deserve it

little kids love eating other people’s whipped cream

that there will likely be many typos in this post

that being unreasonable doesn’t mean being confronting, it means stepping outside of myself to experience a difference

that I will go back and correct all my typos

that I am aware of my procrastination and will stop it right now.

a symbol

There are these words.  These words that come out from my head to rest on the air I breathe.  But I don’t know what they mean.  Mostly, they just stay in my head.  These words are afraid of freedom.  They roost inside, laying their eggs of stagnation.  The tired bags that lie beneath my eyes tell tale of the spoiled ova, forgetting the freshness of crisp air to float away on.  Long flaxen locks hide the redness of my hardened lips that remain closed.  What now to see my sunshine through this windowpane.  A mere glass broken pain whose wings are ready for flight.  Rest my cup beside me, fill it with the ocean.  This pungeunt air inside my head will gather its salted dew.


I should be writing everyday. Perhaps being a writer isn’t something I am committed to. My favourite place in the world is one small square of heaven I call cloudbed. Everything is safe here. Cake is allowed in the cloudbed. Too much is happening but my short term goals are in place. First, move. Second, sole custody. Third, well…that one is still outstanding. geez. I have no desire to be here. But I will force myself to write at least one paragraph. I dunno. I ended my relationship the other day. I needed to be honest with myself. And with her. I cannot move forward in anything when I have no focus. Too much in my life creates distraction and I fail to move. This is my own undoing. In order to focus on moving forward, I need to really think about what I see in my future. I had a beautiful partner who has abundant love to give. But I couldn’t return it. At least not right now. That is not to say I didn’t or don’t love her, I had to make a choice. For my own peace of mind. Sometimes the right choice is the hardest one to make. They are full of remorse, sadness, disconnection. Perhaps my emotional absence has finally kicked in. That knowing that I am no longer a part of that life anymore. I am currently in a small circle of world. It’s about the size of my head.

day 3

day three.  day three.  day three.

I want to be productive.  How do I manifest productivity within myself?  I imagine it all the time, but putting it into action is another story.  Perhaps I should get on the subway and go somewhere else today.  This house is turning into a toxic environment at the moment, unfortunately.  Choices.

Let’s talk about something else – breakfast.  Today was scrambled eggs with red onion, kale and jalapeno soy cheese.  Avocado on the side with toasted dark rye (minus wheat flour).  Sprinkled with a little sea salt and ground peppercorns, it was nice and yummy.   Now to wash it down with some warm water.

It’s time to move on.  Forward.  Always changing.  I am frustrated with change.  Some stability would be nice.  for a change. Now where to start?

merrily this way comes

Good morning my friends and perhaps a family or two. The holiday season is now upon us. The snow is flying outside my window as I sit here watching lovely people all bundled up with joy as they walk their dogs, carry their school books and hunker down into the wind. This is not my favourite time of year but it gives me a great excuse to feel sorry for myself. The whole self-loathing thing really gets the better part of me and I do realize this. But perhaps this isn’t the ideal place to start.

One topic up for discussion is the magazine I recently pitched a story to. Now, this is a mag I have already written for and communicate with (I thought) very well. This most recent story requires my traveling a short distance to cover a court case in Detroit. Now, I don’t live far – lil ol Toronto – so the travel costs are minimal. One train ride costing under $160 round trip. Accommodations are secure as I would be staying with the family the article is about. Now – 10 days ago I asked if the magazine could cover this cost as it is extremely important to the integrity of the article. Regardless of the emails and phone calls I have inquired with, they still have not contacted me with a ‘Yea’ or ‘Nay’. Now, what does this leave me to suspect? A) that they are definitely not covering the ticket and B) perhaps my article has been dropped.

Now normally I would cover this cost myself however, I have taken a significant cut in rate because the magazine is a not-for-profit publication.

The question I pose to now is do I write the piece and pitch it to another magazine or persevere with this one?

ponder ponder.

side note: I am in contact with the family on a regular basis and they have offered to pay for the train ticket. However, I do feel this is wrong and unjust especially in what is supposed to be an inclusive society. Or at least that is what we are striving for.

At peace;