Krishna and Vishnu

It’s a rainy Sunday. Weren’t April showers bringing May flowers? It feels like the west coast out here.

Yesterday I attended a Hare Krishna wedding in Montreal. My emotions always get touched by weddings, and this one was just a little different. This one was spiritual. An ancient ceremony performed before a pit of fire with blessings from all who attended. I know not what to say. Radha-Prema, my newlywed friend, is a very spiritual woman; a guide in my eyes. Last year she invited me to her initiation into the temple. This year, her wedding. Each time I’ve been in the presence of her spirituality, I’ve wondered about my own.

I grew up in a very christian-based family. A confusing one at that. One grandmother was a christian scientist, another set of grandparents baptist. My mother sent me to lutheran school and my best aunt was a mormon (for awhile). Church going was a common thing for me, just not always the same church. Very early on I realized I didn’t believe in the God everyone was so sweet on. It didn’t make sense to me. I was a kid who experienced astral travel at a young age (not knowing what it was) and wondered how things existed. I would pull things apart to see the molecular structure. I wanted to know why some things snapped when they broke and some things just bent. God didn’t play a role in that scenario, neither did Jesus. I mean, if he could turn two fish into a billion, howdi he do it and why couldn’t I? The point here was that Christianity confused me. Still does. What I was looking for wasn’t God. It was spiritual awareness.

As I watched Radha and Damadora seal their bond, we all threw rice into the fire and chanted. We connected as one. We all bonded to each other as a community in love and commitment. What the heck am I doing?! Where is it I am on this path? Is it a choice? Am I missing out on something? Sometimes, I wonder. I get that I’m earthbound and like being rooted. I’m okay with that. It’s time to start studying my own spirituality again. Stop trying to fit into a mould and explore the things I love. Meditation, yoga, quantum physics. I know what the ‘missing’ is though…it’s ceremony, tradition.

The ceremony of the wedding bonded the dedication both Radha and Damadora have for their religion. They aren’t just a married couple now. They are bigger than they know.

Toda being Sunday and back from Montreal, I went to a baby shower being hosted at the theatre. So many new moms and parents, people I haven’t seen in ages, friends, food, family. It was really magnificent to be a part of that community again. We’ve all been disconnected from each other for various reasons over the years and now it was clear we grew up. The parties are shifting, the conversation is different. I’m almost sad that it’s all going to go by so fast. 13 of my friends are having babies this year. 13! Don’t get me wrong, I’m all done with the baby making, it’s more watching my friends grow-up.

Listen you, I’m wiped out. I don’t even know what I’m writing about. What I do know is that I am going to re-read Spiritwalker by Hank Wesselman and leave you with this…

I was born this way

I have to admit that even though I have been physically under the weather, my week has been remarkable.  Taking this SELP class through Landmark Education has really opened up where my leadership and commitment lives in me.  The SELP program is about developing a project within a community I am a part of.  For example, creating a wellness day for youth in the Crescent Town community to learn and develop body+beauty+mind.  In Crescent Town, East York Toronto, we have a large community of new-comer youth.  The idea is to agglomerate the youth to experience what it means to be healthy; physically, mentally and emotionally.  To teach the importance of power and leadership within each person by way of taking part in their own lives.

How we will do this is by workshopping body+beauty through fresh food skin care, deep breathing and yoga, new hair styles, healthy eating choices and more.  Body+beauty+mind will incorporate personal and sexual relationships and what those each mean.

At the end of each session, each youth willhave an opportunity to create a video blog of their experience to take home, post on their facebook, tumblr or just to keep for themselves.  We want the youth to have a reminder of what it feels like when they find new community and themselves.

By taking this course myself, I have realized that potential everyone saw in me.  The potential I thought was bullshit and didn’t exist.  In reality, it was me telling myself I wasn’t good enough.  Now I see the opposite to be true.  That my contribution to people’s lives really does make a difference.  The choices I make have a butterfly effect so why wouldn’t I want that to be a positive commitment?  I have created the possibility of commitment, fun, love and joy in my life and that embodies commitment, fun, love and joy within my heart.

right now

all I want to do is write. It’s been the longest and least productive day ever. all I want to do is write and go home. I hope the biffle has a bottle of red open. I’ve never been so glad to have 4 days off. Perhaps I’ll be of mind to write more later.

It’s been started.  The book, that is.  It’s been started and now the research will begin.  Grants, writing, insane travelling to places that will frighten me.  I may need a bodyguard.  No joke.  Especially for the one place I may need to see.  Is it possible to extricate oneself from their writing?  Lester thinks my idea is worthy of a Palahniuk comparison.  It scares me and that is the point.  My friend Brian says to push my boundary.  That is the point of art.  How far can one push themselves and society?

Today I read an article with Michael Turner saying he felt The Happy Hooker by Xaviera Hollander would never be published in our time.  I haven’t read the book yet but I would think our ‘time’ is much more lenient and desensitized.

Tonight will not permit me anymore time for writing.  Perhaps I will adorn this or another post with more verbiage in the morning…I bid adieu

When I’m not doing something with passion, I become complacent and bored.  My self-worth depletes which turns into co-dependence.  I start seeking and sabotaging.  A part of my whole fractures which I then expect other people to do the mending; to validate my existence or place here. I spent the better part of the morning sitting in front of the mirror, studying my eyes.  The windows to my soul.  I cried.  I wrote.  I accepted.  A change happens when one takes on the fear.  To embrace it and shake it out.

The past 10 days have been a challenge.  Finding a semblance of contentment within the chaos is a skill I forget to use.  The Tao Te Ching says to use the empty space that we create within a confine.  We are the middle of the wheel, that which turns the whole.  When our spokes break, we need to repair them immediately or the wheel weakens.  Same is true in life, when we don’t clean up those issues that hover in our empty space, they create conflict and weaken our spirits.  So it is in this post I leave behind the issues of others that I take on, the issues and demands I put on others.  It is here that I make a commitment to stand proudly as me and show my strength to the person in the mirror.

It’s time to do cartwheels in the park.  Even if I’m cold.

You are love.