This week in literature…

Sometimes I wonder if anyone even reads this thing. I do realize if I put it out there more or commented on other blogs then mine would get more traffic. Perhaps it is the verbiage at the bottom. I know every time I read it I wonder ‘why is that there’. Mental note – change verbiage on blog.

I don’t know if anyone has noticed but occasionally I get obsessed with love.  More commonly known has “getting the guy”.  This obsession goes to the point where I slack off on work, enjoyment of life, et al.  My head gets so consumed that I slough everything I care about off just to preen myself for the ‘one’.  Sometimes I feel like Charlotte from Sex and the City.  Seriously.  But I’m off that kick now (I can see those eyes rolling).  But to be honest, love is my fall back passion.  The one that catches me when I bored of the most current one.  I know that doesn’t sound very committed to the current passion, but that’s the long and short of it.  Sometimes, we all need a little M&M. Medication & Motivation!  I kid!  Mostly.  But this morning I did have a very motivating conversation with a fellow Landmartian.  To be honest, we needed this conversation LONG before today but it happened just at the right time.  It was about personal integrity and validating a commitment one makes to themselves.  The question I needed clarity on is “why am I committed to others successful outcomes and not my own”?  The answer: I’m not passionate about anything at the moment.  Ugh.  Seriously true.  Painfully true.  So how do I get passionate?  Recognize when I’m sloughing off and do one small thing to break the slough.  No-brainer, right?  Not.  Getting laid would be easier.

Considering I didn’t get laid, I chose to clean my room. One small thing that had been niggling away at me for a couple of weeks. Given that my room is remarkably small, it didn’t take long. The next step was starting this blog entry. I’m not sure what time that was. Third was actually keeping my promise about seeing Herr Doktor. Who know one could be allergic to the activation of SPF by the sun? It’s true. Herr Doktor told me. OK I wasn’t officially slacking but in my head I was all about the NOT going home to work part. But when I finally did make it home, I sat down and watched one DVD. A work DVD…editing footage for the foundations website…productive!! not. No audio on any of the DVD’s. =_= I went back to my own computer, manipulated some programming and got the DVD’s to work…AH HA! AUDIO!
Needless to say I have been a little ADD but I fed the spawn, got some footage and made Calfouti. Yes, I am a Goddess. Now bring me my wine.

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Happy April!  I love saying the word April.  It has happiness and smiles and flowers.  All the things I love.  However, April showers bring May flowers…I could live without the three day stretches of water.  It always makes me sleepy and want to eat.

So what is happening in the world of Wren?  Well, we finally got all moved in and most of the boxes have been unpacked.  The painting was a major chore and is still only half done.  But, the settling in is starting to happen.  I’m excited for more shelves, art work on the walls and definitely a finished kitchen.  Forests room is looking icy and clean…meaning the colour on her walls is arctic blue.

On Monday I finished the ad for the Remarkable Bean (join their facebook group) and yesterday had a productive meeting regarding the WPIT (World Peace through Inclusive Transformation) foundation.  Lots of work to be done but we now have some power behind us to move forward.  So now to create another facebook cause aimed toward the American supporters, start the fundamentals for fund raising (let me know if you want to volunteer) and get a move on with the website.  Also – the promo package and some footage of Judith speaking.  That is the one thing I have been putting off.  I’m not sure why but I am aware of my procrastination.

The kids seem to be doing well.  Grey has joined the army cadets and is really enjoying it so far.  He likes the idea of getting paid $60 a week when going to camp this summer.  It also gives him freedom and time away from the house.  He’s gaining a great deal of independence and turning into the young man we all knew he would be.  It’s kinda strange watching him grow up though.  With the hairy legs and changing voice…and he’s taller than me now.  5’8″ – he’s a giant!  One thing that always grabs my heart about Grey is that he still gives me hugs and kisses my cheek in public.  I’m relishing every moment.

It is no longer April but June 6th. I tend to refrain from publishing a lot of what I write. Like right now…I’m going to go into the kitchen to see what I can do in there. Find my passion. I’ll be right back. Yeah…So I’ve been contemplating a shift in blogging. Mostly posting with some continuity of content. Perhaps updates of the literature I hold in my hand or even postings of my weekly lunches. In reality what I am meaning to do is make a commitment to myself and keep it. This is the hardest part of commitment for me…holding myself accountable. When committing to others it seems easier, I want to please them. For myself, it makes no difference…ahhh and insert epiphany…because I don’t feel I am worth the commitment! So let us create a possibility together. I commit to creating one new blog post a week starting tomorrow. Each post will be updated each Monday by midnight. Deal?

4-20

A friend recently told me that I was desperate.  “You, think I’m desperate?” I replied.  “How do you figure?”  He says it’s because of how we connected.  That we would go to all reaches of the world to find love.  That loneliness can penetrate the seemingly impossible  (this is not verbatim).  I finally admitted to wanting the white picket fence, the husband who would do anything to help a friend, the cosmic love-making that people only read about.  Yes, it’s true.  I want it all.  But I feel so ashamed of myself.  I do well on my own.  I’m a decent single mom who loves her friends and family and would do nearly anything to make them happy.  But I have created a boundary somewhere keeping my self-worth at bay. (written 7 days ago)

Funny that the title of this is 4-20.  Because a very specific 4-20 (not the smoke) helped me open my eyes this weekend.  In the last paragraph it is clear I want something/someone in my life.  However, I am not willing to sacrifice any part of myself to have that piece.  There is this really big thing inside me that actually recognizes self-worth and opened my eyes to it 12 years ago.  I vowed, after leaving my husband, that  would never get into a relationship where I felt unappreciated or under-valued.  That every part of me and my children would be embraced and enhanced by this person being in my life.  Also, to be recognized as a full human and not be made wrong by my past or the present choices I make.  To not be compartmentalized.  So this weekend was a huge eye-opener for me – of the kind of guy I don’t want and the kind of woman I am not.

So what does that mean, exactly?  It means that the one who deserves to be in my arms hasn’t shown up yet.  The one who I choose, not the one who chooses me, but the man I choose to share my life with will come when the time is right.  I don’t need validation or the kiss of a dog to remind me of why I am here and support my efforts forward.  No, all I need are the people who recognize that life is for living, not waiting.

My current favourite thing to do in the morning is throw on some clothes and step into the Remarkable Bean coffee house right downstairs from my flat. The Bean is housed in a near century old building, not unlike my own home, with charming and not quite rude staff who have not yet remembered my usual. It is family owned and operated including the roaster who is up before dawn, stocking the hundred or so bags of beans that embrace you as you enter the establishment.

So I get my double americano and seek my seat in the back with my little netbook. But I do have to be careful because if I’m wearing headphones, I accidentally start singing out loud. It doesn’t go over very well before 10 am especially on a Sunday.

I’m not sure how entertaining this blog post is going to be because I am restraining my desire to rant about home renovating and the fact that I’m sleeping on the living room floor in a fucking sleeping bag. Ahem. Oh the blessed Bean. Ommmmm…

Today – todaytodaytoday Forest and I are attending Alana’s bridal shower and I’m so excited! Lovely pink and orange tea parties are my favourite! Especially when they are a good excuse to buy a new dress. On sale. When you didn’t even know it was 60% off! OMG! I think my coffee just kicked in. Good timing too because I need to make myself gorgeous before I start running late ;-p

love you!

a moment in a day to remember this year aka my 5 things


I.) publish a book of some sort
II.) travel off this continent
III.) share my life with someone true
IV.) remember to laugh each and every day
V.) experience my children feeling successful in life

I have homework I should be doing for my Landmark Education seminar.  I’m not even sure what I am supposed to be working on … oh yes that’s right … the things.  Oh nevermind – I lost my homework.

Ok sure I lost it but I am going to share something about my life with you.

From the time I was young I always said I didn’t want to be like my mother.  Always being passed around, feeling I was less significant than the other person(s) in the room; feeling inadequate knowing certain relatives didn’t approve of my presence. So over the course of X amount of years, I transferred those emotions into actually playing out the same role as my mother.  Single mom, lines of unsuccessful opportunities, restlessness, financial irresponsibility.  All of the things that made me feel unsafe as a child, I finally realized I perpetuating within my own small family.  Guess who was horrified?  Guess when I figured it out?  Yesterday.

I couldn’t figure out why a ‘professional’ said I harbour rage.  Not to say I don’t get irrationally angry now and again but I wouldn’t transfer that into rage.  So I dug deep.  And then deeper.  But I still couldn’t find the source.  Why did I lash out as a teen, when my days in Michigan were stable?  Why do I fear roots and stability?  What is it that repels me from responsibility?  Well – it was that thing that happened.  The thing that made me feel unsafe and then ultimately broke my back.

Realizing all of this allows me to open further to why my son may be so angry.

On the upside of anger…I have a great smile and I miss my grampa. One day I will type the letter I wrote him for 12. And yes, I am aware I left some bits dangling.