Midlife o_O great

OK – I must be going through a mid-life crisis.  VERY similar to that of John Cusack in High Fidelity.  The only difference is that I’m not coming out of a fresh break-up.  The way this is working out for me is traveling back into time, google mapping the neighbourhood I grew up in.  It all started with my mother sending me a link to a fantasy.  The fantasy being a house I will buy in Sterling Heights, Michigan where I grew up.  Which prompts all the memories, good and bad, and fosters this emotional conundrum.  I had to quickly close the map.  With the satellite view I could see that tree that I had a love/hate relationship with.  All the other places my friends and mortal enemies lived.  Even the sand parks that the weird kids pee’d in are still there.  I wonder if those concrete tubes still stink.

So this midlife mapping led to a phone call to one of the closest people in my life at that time.  We spent over an hour on the phone this morning, reminiscing, catching up, being real.  It wasn’t one of those conversations where you talk about surface bullshit.  We talked about struggling with the kids, his being single for so long, our friends and those bastards he still hangs out with.  I moved away when I was twelve (hence the bio) and I lost all contact with everyone.  It still has an effect/affect.  I still have feelings of being not incomplete but displaced.  That I haven’t found my grounding because of something I had no control over.  So now  I spend time reconnecting with my past.  Some people will roll their eyes, tell me to close those chapters but I’m not going to.  Especially with K.  I’ve known him since the minute he was born.  He’s family.  I once knocked his brothers teeth out with a baseball bat.  They always made me play Princess Leia when we played Star Wars because I was the girl.  I hated them for that.  I wanted to be Chewbucca.  Chauvinist jerks.

My daughter keeps telling me that I’m trying to relive my childhood.  Can you imagine?  The last thing I want to do is relive my shitty childhood.  I can’t remember most of it for a reason.  I don’t know why I want to reconnect.  Isn’t it possible it’s because we actually can now?  Or that I want to experience these kids I grew up with as adults?  Is it so wrong to live my life here and still love the good, the bad and the ugly?  Secretly though, I admit to the possibility of finding my true love.  Anything in life is possible.  Even if it is ridiculous.

of thanks and giving

I realize that lame attempts at blogging don’t count for a broken glass so I have come back to you after much contemplation of the past few weeks. Perhaps I should venture into months but then I may bore you. Suffice to say that life here is familial. Nothing out of the ordinary, no real bizarreness, just everyday. Which for the most part is lovely and content, if not just a little boring at times. Not to get confused with wanting or needing more – just a sense of moving forward. The next step up.

In September I took the Landmark Forum. Some people may think I am crazy, which is fine, but I figured if there is one thing I can gestate at the end, then it was worth it.  For the most part what I ‘learned’ were things I already knew.  Which was frustrating because I wasn’t there to learn things I already knew.  I was there for a break through.  We all were.  Sunday comes around, still nothing.  But my eyes and envy are watching people in the whole room finally ‘get it’.  I sat at the back of the room and cried.  If I wasn’t ‘getting it’ then where would I go?  Coming home that night, Andrea (my housemate) was curious about what I had learned. I didn’t have an answer.  All that would come out was “I need to process”.  Obviously I was able to give her a view of what the course was like, etc. and she understood.  She came with me to my completion on Tuesday night to get a better idea of what I saw in this forum.

Let’s segue a bit into why and how this came into my existence.  The first time I heard about Landmark was through my friend Alana.  She had explained how taking Landmark Education had helped her open new doors and concepts to her everyday life.  To let go of the past that holds us back, is something we as humans find extremely difficult.  By noticing her strength of character and watching her build her business, gave me the notion that there is no reason why I cannot do the same for myself.  My only question was “how”.  A couple years later I met a woman by the name of Judith Snow.  This is a woman of astounding measures.  She has created possibilities in her life that never once could I have imagined.  Fortunately for me, I was once a part of those dreams.  However, something was lost.  Something I was detached from.  Something I couldn’t recognize.  This something sometimes takes a long time.  It wasn’t until my friend Kati asked me to attend her completion evening when I realized it was time to take the forum.  This was it – so I registered.  I was nervous, afraid, a little sick to my stomach but I knew this was right.  I had no idea in what ways I would change.  There were times when Gabor would call me and pour his strange little heart out.  I didn’t understand, although there was still a bucket load of resentment there.  But what I did understand, by the time I had registered, was that resentment toward Gabor finally started to dissipate.  All my resentments started to dissipate.  Who knew where this road would lead but I was going to walk it the whole way.

So back to Sunday night – there we sat, on the small back deck, and I still felt lost.  Confused.  Quiet.  I dragged myself to bed and woke up to a dreary miserable Monday which consisted of an informal meeting at the Children’s Aid Society.  Something I wasn’t looking forward to.  So I got myself showered and out the door, umbrella in hand and wellies on foot.  When sitting in the subway something dawned on me.  The rain.  The rain didn’t effect me.  Now, I know you may think this sounds crazy or irrational but truth be told, this was my break through.  For the first time in my life I didn’t let the weather dictate my emotions.  Before Landmark, I would have canceled all appointments and stayed in bed.  This Monday my brain didn’t even register the rain.  YAY!  This made me smile.  The next event was the way I conducted myself in that dreadful meeting.  A meeting that I would usually allow the ‘professionals’ to make all the choices – not this time.  I didn’t get angry nor did I get in anyone’s face.  I didn’t mind if I had to step on someone’s toes in order to get what was needed.  I said what needed to be said, wasn’t comfortable with the outcome so in the end, I made a choice.  I took the next step that I wouldn’t have taken before.  Another small victory!  As minute as one might see this, so be it.  These are the little things that matter.

The following Friday – my love arrived.  I will never forget her tired eyes looking up to me when we met at the airport.  Finally – after months of not seeing each other, she was here.  Here to wake up to, fall to sleep with, eat dinner and make tea for.  A week of strangeness and beauty and love.  A week of what life might look like.  I keep finding strands of her hair around the house 🙂 I keep finding myself missing her.  Her last night here we ended up taking Forest and Jamie to a concert – I’m still wearing my VIP band.  I light our candle, smell the lavender honey and wish she hadn’t gotten on that plane.  We spent two days alone in Niagara Falls which was something we really needed.  A day trip through Niagara wine country (best salad of my life), dinner in bed, fireplace romance while looking out on the falls.  We should have stayed another day.  We wanted to stay another day.  I’m not going to get into much more detail because that time spent is far to precious to share right now.

The whole point of this post is of thanks.  Thanks to the family and friends who do share willingly in my life.  Thanks to the support and love of those people.  Thanks to those who aren’t sharing now, but may again someday, for their contribution to my path and the wealth their presence has given.  Thanks for the smiles, the love and openness.  Thanks for the time and support of life around us.  Thanks for being present.  Thank you for allowing me into your lives, to share and learn and grow.  I look forward to our days and nights – be well, be content, feel loved.

our reunion…

a patient one I have become.
eagerly waiting a challenge
a pull for my prize.
shallow sighing signifies
a reconnect.

I am never entirely sure what I am doing here.  Sometimes I sit and write for ages yet find myself in the middle of nowhere.  There hasn’t been a post made for quite some time, my sincerest apologies.  Life certainly hasn’t been boring, just perhaps a little overwhelming.  I watch outside my windowpane, the bees flying into my line of vision, the small garden throwing lavender petals to to distract my attention.  I’m on my typical roller coaster still reeling from the last mini-trip I ventured on. The high school reunion.

A true reunion

A true reunion



Some of you may not know that when I was a teenager I was sent to boarding school.  Not for academic achievement because of my shining brilliance, no this was because A.) the judge gave me a choice of reform school or boarding school and B.) apparently I was ruining my mothers new marriage.  I was a handful back in those days – to be honest, not much has changed except I don’t steal cars anymore.  Boarding school was all I knew as a teen. Secluded in the middle of nowhere with no civilization for 100 km. Our time was spent ‘on the hill’ in our dorms, riding horses or in class. Twice a week we had “social” which meant the boys and girls were able to hang out for a period of 1.5 hours. So needless to say we got fairly close. This reunion wasn’t just a return to the hill, for me anyway, this was the reunion of people I lived with, shared with, ate with, slept with, loved and hated.  This was a reunion of my teenage years.  The years when I finally found friendship, companionship and true supporting love.  I went back home.  My emotional home and it felt like I had never left.

Oak Hill Academy left a lot of people in flux.  With no direction or foundation to build upon.  Having spent so many years in seclusion, we were tossed back into reality without a leg to stand on.  But we all made it.  As lost or  afraid of life as some felt, we found our ground.  I know back when graduation time was looming, I didn’t want to leave.  I had finally felt accepted.  Oak Hill Academy was my home.  Every time I have gone back, I always wish I could stay.  Even though my life is here in Toronto, my heart will always be in Virginia.

Tailgate Party 2009

Tailgate Party 2009


I would like to take this moment to say thank you to everyone from OHA who touched my life.  Each and every person, whether I remember you or not, has been a shining moment in my life.  A person who has stepped up, stepped off or stepped out of their way to help create a path of love and wonder within me.  People who remember our crazy adventures, smoking in the dorm rooms, the guys naked under their choir robes (o_O), running up and down the halls shouting SEXUAL FRUSTRATION! (tribute to LB)  You  have all helped shape and create the person I have become.  You kept me real, alive and happy.  You have created beauty with your time, energy and love.  We picked up where we left off after 20 years.  That is the base of true friendship.  You have all given me something that no else has got and something no one else can give.  You have heart, memories and connection.  You all are loved so deeply – Thank you for being a part of my life.

Alumni Weekend 2009

Alumni Weekend 2009

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we need to listen

we are one…we will always be one

yellow daisy mantle love

I can’t say this day has been particularly great but it hasn’t been horrible either.  Most of the time I tried to write but all this negativity came out.  Complaining about this or bitching about that.  Not my usual style.  Work wasn’t flowing, the weather is beautiful and rainy and moody.  Perhaps that is all it takes to get me too inside my head.  Perhaps I need to disengage for a while.  Hard to say really because so often there is a pull for connection concocted with adversity. So what came out of that conundrum was watching CocoRosie on YouTube.  What I stumbled upon was this lovely documentary directed by David Kleijwegt called The Eternal Children.  This film highlights the reality of this generations hippie movement.  But in a light not much different from that of the 60’s. You see people who love freely, without judgment or expectation.  feel free energy, souls who absorb innocence and create a vibration that envelops you.  They sustain life and love at a rudimentary and childlike level.  Lovely and divination to what constitutes in ‘normal’ peoples eyes as pathetic and lowly.  I myself have been deemed a hippiemama more than once in my day but I don’t think it is entirely true.  Too many pieces of me have fractured into trying to be a piece of everything.  Is that fractured or is it diverse?  Deeply I would like to be a part of some kind of community but whether that be something much larger than myself or something micro, that I create has yet to be determined.

At times I miss that person, that pre-sexuality innocence that was full of life.  That protective barrier we had – our safety.  Sierra explains toward the end of the film that her artistic character is so child-like because it hides or takes away the despair of adulthood and responsibility.

There are yellow daisies on my mantle.

please enjoy this next piece called El Camino Real by William Basinski – he describes his music as “amniotic”.  He is right – it takes me away into a little bubble that floats high in my room, watching as words tumble by…