Midlife o_O great

OK – I must be going through a mid-life crisis.  VERY similar to that of John Cusack in High Fidelity.  The only difference is that I’m not coming out of a fresh break-up.  The way this is working out for me is traveling back into time, google mapping the neighbourhood I grew up in.  It all started with my mother sending me a link to a fantasy.  The fantasy being a house I will buy in Sterling Heights, Michigan where I grew up.  Which prompts all the memories, good and bad, and fosters this emotional conundrum.  I had to quickly close the map.  With the satellite view I could see that tree that I had a love/hate relationship with.  All the other places my friends and mortal enemies lived.  Even the sand parks that the weird kids pee’d in are still there.  I wonder if those concrete tubes still stink.

So this midlife mapping led to a phone call to one of the closest people in my life at that time.  We spent over an hour on the phone this morning, reminiscing, catching up, being real.  It wasn’t one of those conversations where you talk about surface bullshit.  We talked about struggling with the kids, his being single for so long, our friends and those bastards he still hangs out with.  I moved away when I was twelve (hence the bio) and I lost all contact with everyone.  It still has an effect/affect.  I still have feelings of being not incomplete but displaced.  That I haven’t found my grounding because of something I had no control over.  So now  I spend time reconnecting with my past.  Some people will roll their eyes, tell me to close those chapters but I’m not going to.  Especially with K.  I’ve known him since the minute he was born.  He’s family.  I once knocked his brothers teeth out with a baseball bat.  They always made me play Princess Leia when we played Star Wars because I was the girl.  I hated them for that.  I wanted to be Chewbucca.  Chauvinist jerks.

My daughter keeps telling me that I’m trying to relive my childhood.  Can you imagine?  The last thing I want to do is relive my shitty childhood.  I can’t remember most of it for a reason.  I don’t know why I want to reconnect.  Isn’t it possible it’s because we actually can now?  Or that I want to experience these kids I grew up with as adults?  Is it so wrong to live my life here and still love the good, the bad and the ugly?  Secretly though, I admit to the possibility of finding my true love.  Anything in life is possible.  Even if it is ridiculous.

merrily this way comes

Good morning my friends and perhaps a family or two. The holiday season is now upon us. The snow is flying outside my window as I sit here watching lovely people all bundled up with joy as they walk their dogs, carry their school books and hunker down into the wind. This is not my favourite time of year but it gives me a great excuse to feel sorry for myself. The whole self-loathing thing really gets the better part of me and I do realize this. But perhaps this isn’t the ideal place to start.

One topic up for discussion is the magazine I recently pitched a story to. Now, this is a mag I have already written for and communicate with (I thought) very well. This most recent story requires my traveling a short distance to cover a court case in Detroit. Now, I don’t live far – lil ol Toronto – so the travel costs are minimal. One train ride costing under $160 round trip. Accommodations are secure as I would be staying with the family the article is about. Now – 10 days ago I asked if the magazine could cover this cost as it is extremely important to the integrity of the article. Regardless of the emails and phone calls I have inquired with, they still have not contacted me with a ‘Yea’ or ‘Nay’. Now, what does this leave me to suspect? A) that they are definitely not covering the ticket and B) perhaps my article has been dropped.

Now normally I would cover this cost myself however, I have taken a significant cut in rate because the magazine is a not-for-profit publication.

The question I pose to now is do I write the piece and pitch it to another magazine or persevere with this one?

ponder ponder.

side note: I am in contact with the family on a regular basis and they have offered to pay for the train ticket. However, I do feel this is wrong and unjust especially in what is supposed to be an inclusive society. Or at least that is what we are striving for.

At peace;