we need to listen

we are one…we will always be one

another day in paradise lost

This little family of mine is complicated.  We have many layers of distress that are constantly being stretched to the nth degree.  Today was a phone call.  Not a pleasant voice on the other end of the phone, which I now realize deeply hurts me.  The call wasn’t for me but for my daughter.  I do realize there are many things people are hurting over but is it really necessary to perpetuate the wound?  My role as a woman, adult, parent here is to take the high road, to make decisions that I feel most benefit my family.  No one person has answers to anything, just a little support when needed – which ultimately is what the universe needs…a little support.  Anyway, this phone call was distressful because I know both parties hurt over decisions that have been made over actions performed. We reap what we sow, at least that’s the karma of it all.

I question my decisions on a daily basis.  But there is a point in life when a person needs to remember their ‘self’.  That inkling of humanity and preservation.  Where do we create balance?  What if another party is involved who doesn’t want to communicate or points all blame outside?  If we want to heal, how can we open those gates  if we know we are going to be trampled or feeling lost justice?  Generally, I am not one to close my doors or put up barriers but this one feels depressingly necessary.  A large part of me feels that if I give in now, a palpable sense of my being will be lost.  Follow protocol, stand my ground and refrain from lashing out to the one person who throws stones in glass houses.

where she has gone

it’s been a long time being here.  So much of my time has been consumed with life issues and constraints, writing for other people and forgetting my passion – love. So much has happened over the last year I still have a hard time compartmentalizing it all.  That is to say that my brain even functions that way.  Being as open and free as someone like me is, I find it difficult not to share every aspect of my life.

To be honest, I don’t even know what to write anymore.

I had a dream last night.  In this dream was the catalyst in my most recent break-up.  For months I’ve felt anger, hatred for these two people but last week my house was emptied of the last of his belongings and a sense of relief came over the whole house.  Well, in this dream the catalyst was very present.  But I finally didn’t feel like stabbing her eyeballs out and setting the gaping holes on fire.  yes, I am aware that reaction is NOT PEACEFUL.  Just let me get over it.

I ate the whole bag of cherries today.

Dream Log –

Friday February 13, 2009

I had a dream with the cats and my housemate. The cats were trying to get into my bedroom but I didn’t want them in here, the sandman had me by the knickers. But Dali was crying so Sean came downstairs to open my bedroom door. I didn’t say anything until Jou-Jou came in chasing a barely born mouse around my room. Normally live mice don’t send me for a loop but this one was hardly born and it ran straight across my chest! Needless to say I swung my door open and carefully tossed them both out. It was at that moment the baby mouse was bagged by Sean and thrown into my face.

“This is what I found Jou-Jou playing with!” he exclaimed.

“Yeah, in my bed while I was sleeping. Goodnight.”

Gently closing my door, I cordially went back to sleep. Five minutes later he and a few of his buddies are in what should be the bathroom but ends up as a poker/scotch room in my dream (note: it is a large enough bathroom to serve as such). I do end up shouting at him from my hallway because he is being daftly inconsiderate re: the kitty situation. Yes, insert screaming banshee…..here. His mates are shaking their heads as if they’ve heard this before, in a manner that he has enraged another woman similarly and often in their presence.

Moving on, I decide to let bygones be just that and say my friendlies to the boys. Knowing they had been up all night playing poker, I start tidying up the place and offer to make some breakfast. As my arm reaches over to grasp a tumbler, Jamie Granek reaches up and tweeks my nipple! Incredulous!! I smacked him, shouted at him and stomped away.

Good Morning Sunshine!